:+:Jenn:+:

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 16:59:41 GMT

So I havent written in forever...ive had the least amount of time possible. Plus, my computer completely decided to kill itself. Today, was a half a day so i got out at 11. I broke up with Gerald...cause it just wasnt working out with the distance thing. Or money and time. So i couldnt do it anymore. Plus, there's someone new in my life. His name is Dan and he makes me feel so amazing. He calls me beautiful and all that adorable shit. I officially got laid as well. Pretty exciting...ummm i dont know what to write cause i have so much to say. I dont even know if i wanna keep a journal anymore...but we'll see.

What the hell is going on, the dust has only just began to fall..

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 00:23:36 GMT

So this weekend had to be one of the worst but yet one of the best weekends of my life.

Friday Night, me and Susan went out looking for Sara and Brad's house. We definitely got lost in i dont even know where...we met Ryan at Mcdonalds and got some marijuana. Then we went to this open road in Sandown with absolutely no people or houses, parked the car and smoked a bowl. Then, i saw headlight in my rearview and said "Oh shit its a cop!", I thought i was kidding to just scare the shit out of Susan. Meanwhile Susan's rushing to throw everything under the seat. The next thing you know, as i was just about to say "just kidding" the cop turns his lights on and parks his car behind us. I said "Fuck!!! It really is a cop!" Then i start freaking out...He gets out, comes over to my window and asked what we were doing. We said we were talking about stuff. He asked is we had ID's on us, we gave them to him. Then he asked who was smoking butt's, i said me. He took my cigarettes then asked for Susan's. He repeatedly asked us if there was anything in the car he should know about. I kept saying no. He went to his car, sat in there for like a half hour, came back and asked me to get out of the car. I was like shitttttt! I could barely walk, my eyes were like fuckin tomatos...and i could barely think. He asked "Are you hear at your own free-will?" i said yes. Then he asked me what we were talking about, i made up some lame story...he asked how my driving record was...pshh. Then he asked me one more time if there was anything else in the car. I once again said no. Then he pulled Susan out of the car and asked him the same questions to make sure they matched. Thank the fuckin christ they basically did...a little off but ya know. We went back in the car, he gave us our cigarettes back and said have a good night.

Saturday, Went to my Aunts house till 5 or 6, got Heather and Ryan, started making our togasss!!! Sweet. Then we smoked up and i took them home. I went to bed...

Sunday, smoked up at 8:30, went and got Gerald by 10, came home, then we went to see his old house, visited Adam and Tanya, took them to get Scotty and Gen, and we were all off to the mall. We shopped for a little while, got ditched, then we took Adam and Tanya home and went to the park. Me and Gen smoked 2 pretty big bowls. Scotty and Gerald smoked a pretty good amount too. We seriously had so much fun. Then i took Gen and Scotty home, got heather, then went back to the house, worked on my toga and ate dinner. Then i took her home, me and Gerald went to wal mart, almost went to the movies but decided not to...then i pretty much hung out by myself unfortunately.

Today, Basically nothing...took him home, got sad...ya know. Hung out with Ryan, smoked up...finished my toga which looks fucking amazing! I cant wait till Wednesday..and Friday is going to be awesome too. But yeah, mis-match day tomorrow.

I hate being in trouble..

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 00:24:29 GMT

It has most definitely been a long time...
and let me tell you, i have had THE WORST couple of weeks ever. I dont even know what to say about whats been happening. But the most recent one of the day is getting caught skipping today. Or, coming back from my lunch. My mom is being such a douche bag and i really cant stand it. Im sick of this place, i want to leave. Im sick of the school, being at home, and im sick of work and all this other fucking shit. I just want to take my car and leave. I dont even want to talk about it anymore...i dont have time to update this shit so why bother with it now.

It's so hard..

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 12:13:52 GMT

Im skipping the first 3 periods of the day.
My eyes are so puffy, im wicked tired due to my 3 hours of sleep.
I would be sleeping, but once again, its hard for me to sleep like this.
My mom claims she loves me so much, but it always seems like my family gives me money for forgiveness.
That's not what i want. I want trust, freedom, respect...
I just wish one day my parents will be happy with the child they have.
What would happen if i asked Mel if i could move in?
What would she say? Would it be okay?
Cause i honestly cant emotionally take this anymore.
Its ruining my education, my personality, my job..
This whole thing is completely distracting me from anything i want to achieve.
And its only getting worse.
Im sick of telling myself it'll only get better.
Ive been saying that for a long time...and nothing is better.
Is this all my fault?
Should i have said no to going out with Gerald again?
Love hurts.
Im sorry i fell in love with someone who moved away...but im trying to make it work.
Im trying so hard..no matter how much it hurts, i want it to work.
He's the only guy that has ever treated me like a boyfriend should.
What would you do?
If i dumped him, id still want to see him as a friend...
So its not like it'd be making it better for myself.
I wish this wasnt so damn hard. Everyday it gets worse.
Last night, i havent cried so much in awhile.
It got to the point where it hurt so much, that i felt sick.
I kind of feel like this is Adam all over again...except Gerald's not still here.
I always pick the wrong people to fall in love with.
Is that my fault? How am i supposed to know?
I dont know anymore...i just dont. Im gonna hold on as long as i can..

Everything fucking sucks..

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 03:03:22 GMT

I dont know what to do anymore.
I just got into a huge fight with my mom and Moose...
Everything is becoming so hard for me to handle.
I friggan cry every damn day...and nothing is how it should be.
Work makes it so i have basically no life. But its fun...
My birthday was amazing...except i couldnt spend it with Gerald.
But Mel came down...and her gift made me tired.
Emma, thank you for decorating my car, and my amazing card.
And thank you everyone for remembering, it made me feel nice.
I think that was the one good day of the past few weeks...
Besides the seeing Gerald parts.

So today blew.
I went to work and i got stuck with the shittiest job ever.
They cut peoples hours...and Kira did shit.
Matt is an idiot and does everything wrong...but yet he gets 32 hours.
Kira down NOTHING and gets 7 hours. So whats the point of her?
I dont friggan know but its fucking stupid there right now.
I got yelled at by Kevin again...

When i got home, i got yelled at for taking the dog somewhere.
Cause no one thinks i can handle ANYTHING on my own.
Then, my mom brought up Saturday.
Im supposed to be going hiking with Gerald and his Moms.
But my mom consistantly decides to make me feel like crap about myself.
She told me flat out that i might aswell move there.
And if Mel and Tracey would let me, i would seriously consider it.
There's nothing for me here right now...besides my friends, but thats a given.
I feel like i have no family anymore.
Both sides obviously dont like my existance.
I feel like this huge inconvenience to everyone.
It never stops...i keep hoping it gets better but it NEVER does.
Something has to make me constantly miserable.
So thank you...really. Look at me now, im a complete mess.
I cant even control my tears anymore. I fucking burst out in class...
I become too lazy to do homework due to my burning eyes.
I skip classes.
I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ANYONE WANTS FROM ME!
I know this is all complaining but i seriously dont know whats going on anymore.
This isnt something i need help with, its something im trying to deal with.
With school, work, boyfriend living forever away, dad and i currently going seperate ways, my mom and i constantly fighting...no contact with any of my friends anymore.
I just have nothing right now.
I know im dwelling, but it seems thats the only thing i can do.
I mean, what am i supposed to be happy about?
Im happy i have a job, but im not happy that i dont get treated fairly.
Im happy i have a boyfriend that cares about me, but i only get to see him once a week. Or less.
Im happy i actually have a family, but not when they do nothing but make me feel like crap.
Im happy i have friends, but we dont talk anymore.
Is this the senior year that everyone waits for?
Because to be completely honest, it fucking sucks.
ROYALLY BLOWS.
Im a complete mess. No, i dont need help from anyone.

Mnemic is the best band...and Gerald is amazing..

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 22:15:18 GMT

It's been six days.
Basically ive done nothing but having mental breakdowns in school.
I skipped my first class of the year.
I was kind of disappointed...but i felt wicked sick and depressed.
School has been nothing but shit.
I constantly get upset...
I have the same schedule every week, and its getting ridiculous..
School till 12:30 then work from 1-8 then sleep.
Its boring and kind of hard because after work, im so tired and lazy.
I dunno...but i think i cried atleast once everyday.
It's dumb, but i can't help it..it just pours out of me.

This weekend was completely amazing, except Friday.
40 dollars was stolen.
But Saturday = amazing.
I smoked with Ryan, Morgan, and her 2 friends.
Then me and Heather drove to Geralds.
Sat there for an hour, then got Gerald :)
Then, we brought him back here.
Oh man, he is seriously amazing.
We wicked cuddled on the couch watching a movie.
That was amazing.
But then Jacqui brought her friends over...
They we obnoxiously loud...
Me and Gerald decided to go to bed.
We layed in my bed, all cute and stuff.
Then i hear tons of laughing and shit.
People are downstairs doing Purple Haze and fucking drinking.
I tell them where to put the cigarette butt's and to lock the doors.
Then the dog starts barking.
I think i got up about 7 times...
They were watching TV...i said get out, and he told my to fuck myself.
So, i went upstairs and hugged Gerald and we attempted to sleep again.
Then i heard tons of banging.
I went downstairs, Heather and Jacqui wanted to go out for an hour.
So they left and now it was me and Gerald again.
We had a cigarette, then we finally fell asleep.
He hogged ALL the blankets and i froze. Haha but its okay. I still love him.
Yes, i think i love him. He's the best thing ever. Plain and simple.

We woke up this morning at 8.
We got breakfast.
Then played Soul Calibur...which he kicked my ass on.
Then i took a shower and we took him home.
We chilled there for an hour.
Mel and Tracey are amazing people.
Im going there again on the 24th.
We took Gerald to work for 2...I kissed him goodbye :(
Mel bought me a pack of cigarettes then me and Heather left.
I went back to dunks, but he was busy.
So i just used to bathroom...
I cried a little on the way home. But not much.
I predict it will come out tomorrow.
Or the day after cause thats a special day and i cant spend it with him.
That would be the best gift ever...
I miss him already...and im crying again.
We come home and Jacqui's little friends left cigarette butt's out.
AND A ROACH! WTF??
I was heated. Then my rents came home.
We went to Burger King, got food and i took her home.
Ryan's an excellent liar. I teach him well.

So...everything's good i guess. I just wish he could've stayed here..

I wont let this build up inside of me..

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 23:30:41 GMT

Can anything possibly get harder? Moose decided to be a complete ass today. He basically told me to break up with Gerald and go out with Susan cause its not going to work with me and Gerald. After this weekend, i want to make it work. Im not going to lose something this amazing because of distance...I seriously think i love him.

Also, at the dinner table he decided to yell at me for the way i eat spagetti. So then my mom got into a fight with him and basically i just caused a fight for the rest of the night. All there ever is, is yelling. Im so sick of it...Im sick of being here, im sick of going to my dads, im sick of going to school, and work just makes like a whole lot harder. I just want to escape this and leave. I hate this place right now. I hate everything about New Hampshire at this point.

This is what i want to happen but i know never will...I want to move in with Gerald and his family. Go to his school, and work with him again. Make new friends, start over...not have to deal with any of this family bull shit. Because for once, both sides of the family hate me. Its getting ridiculous. Im tellin ya, im gonna stay a week there one of these days. Even though their vacations are different...i wanna take a week off and stay there. Its the only place that i feel happy.

Im sick of getting pot for people too. I think im about done with the whole delivery shit. I think im stressed out. Kill me please.